BIG TIPS

JANUARY 29, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 13

Ever since Madonna's song, he wants to be spanked

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

To everything, there is a season. A time to start the seeds for your perennials and herbs, and a time to see that slugs, not reputed for being good at sharing, enjoyed every one of those tender shoots very much. A time to squeeze into your boots with two or three pairs of wool socks, and a time to flash your piggies in open-toe footwear. A time to breach the folded wax paper liner of a new box of cold cereal, and a time to shake out that last dusty bowlful, and consign the inner bag and outer box unto the trash and recycling, respectively.

I believe a certain reverence should be shown to this natural order of things, and so I find myself to be The Finisher. What is it about having a fresh, wrapped sponge under the sink that tantalizes my sweetie so that she must rip it open and use it, when there's a perfectly good one on the dish rack? Why do we have five bottles of hair gel going at once? I've already secretly combined the contents of four pumps of hand soap (They were all green, so now it's sort of a pear-mint medley.), so I could recycle the other three bottles.

My natural instinct to have products "on deck," like the next tube of toothpaste or

bottle of Dawn, is being curbed by the horrific possibility of having both open at once. And so, in the face of same product overlap, I find myself consuming the end of the previous item more quickly: shampooing twice in a row. Being cavalier with the squirts of dish soap. Using a little more Dep than is fashionably wise. I am also shopping a little more frequently.

This is it: I've become my own personal model of capitalism.

Dear Big Tipper,

God help me, I'll never forgive Madonna for that damned spanking song several years back. All of a sudden spanking was in vogue, my boyfriend's eyes lit up, and he decided that it was the be-all and end-all of sexy foreplay.

It's been years, and we still have to paddle each other almost every time before we have sex. I just feel like it's silly to have to do it every time. It used to be that candles and a nice bottle of wine, or racy badinage over dinner were enough. I also would like a little variety. I don't want to be an arthritic 80-year-old hefting a trembling paddle over my lover's wrinkly behind.

Slap Unhappy

Son with AIDS finds parents' love is conditional

Cincinnati-On February 4, the studio theatre and the Arts Consortium of Cincinnati will present Before it Hits Home, a play by African-American playwright Cheryl West.

West's first play, Jar the Floor, was presented at Playhouse in the Park in January 1995. Like Jar, this story is charged with the conflicting dramas and personalities that so often plague families.

In Before it Hits Home, West reveals family as a bond that sometimes defies understanding and even acceptance of its members. In the words of the author, "All my work is about what's a family in whatever form it takes. Sometimes you're born with a good family and sometimes we have to build our own."

Before is a drama about a bisexual young man with AIDS who must find the courage to confront his family with his secrets. The main character, Wendell Bailey, must deal with the pain sons and daughters often suffer when parents make their acceptance and love conditional.

The play is directed by C. Dean Tabler, whose credits include Liz Presley-Fields'

Flamingo Lies and August Wilson's Fences. He received the 1997 Applause magazine "Image Maker" award for arts and entertainment and the Arts Consortium of Cincinnati Donald P. Sowell award in performing arts.

Tabler is a member of People of All Colors Together, an ethnically diverse gay and lesbian group which promotes an open forum for social and political discussion.

The play also presents a depth of talent with its local thespians: Derek J. Snow, Kathy Johnson, Reggie Willis, Heru Lasana, Sarah Mann, Gail Jones, John Sokalski, TMar Israel Griffin, Omar Griffin, and Gregory Andrews. The music is composed and performed by Andy Agee.

The play will be presented downtown at the Arts Consortium in the Paul Robeson Theater at 1515 Linn St. Performances are February 4 through 7 and February 11 through 14. Show times are Thursday through Saturday at 8 pm and Sunday at 3 pm. Tickets are $10 through $15 and are available at the Arts Consortium. For additional information, call 513-381-0645.

From studio theatre press materials.

Dear Spanky,

You're telling me this now? That song is more than ten years old! That's a lot of paddling under the bridge, as it were.

Here's what I think. He's probably wanted it for years, and this moment of visible spanking culture gave him an opening to talk to you about it. Fetishes run deep, and very, very rarely change, so I'm guessing he's not going to stop wanting it.

If you find it a turn-off, maybe you can introduce something else as an occasional alternate: perhaps doing it somewhere that a paddle is not to be found. If you just find it repetitive, but he loves it, suck it up and please your man. I'm guessing there are things he does to make you happy.

And by the way, I hope when you're both in your 80s, you're still both around to bug each other. Lots of people would be grateful for a wrinkly fanny to slap. Smooch!

Dear Big Tipper,

What should I do if my girlfriend lies to me? I don't think she lies about big things. I I don't think she's cheating on me or stealing from me.

mean,

But when I ask her little things like what she had for lunch or whether or not she did some little job I asked her to, she lies about it. I can tell she's doing it and when I ask her if she's lying, she denies it, but then later sometimes she'll tell me she was lying, which feels worse than the initial small lie to me. This is making me feel like we need to break up.

It's a Lying Shame

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Dear Kiss the Girls and Make Them Lie,

Well, maybe your girlfriend is a compulsive liar, and it's some sort of survival skill she's developed because of unsafe situations in her past. Maybe she senses your fear and insecurity about her, and is lying to cover up behaviors or actions for which she thinks you'll leave her. Or maybe she's just lazy about honesty. It's hard to know without talking to her.

Sometime, not in the middle of a confrontation about a particular lie, but when you're just talking about the two of you and your relationship, bring up your concern in a nonaccusatory way, and explain that it makes you feel insecure and frustrated and not trusted.

Downplay anger that you might feel about it. She needs to feel like you're not going to lose your mind when she tells you the truth, or initially admits to lying. Try to make it through a week, or even just a day in which it's okay for her to tell the truth. Be relaxed if she tells you she did something dumb, so she doesn't get punished for trying to change.

If this casual attempt at a different type of communication doesn't change anything, you might want to suggest she see a counselor to deal with the lying, and you see someone to deal with your reactions to her. Good luck, sweetie.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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